Have to Get It Off My Chest

Being in your mid 20's is akin to being 13 and going through the complete and utter humiliation and embarassment of puberty. It's happening all over again I keep saying to myself in the fleeting moments of clarity that dance in and out of my life. I thought for certain that once I hit my 20's everything would be perfect. All of those feelings of self doubt would wash away at the stroke of my 21st birthday. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

As I'm getting deeper into my 20's (therefore closer to my 30's) I'm realizing more and more that I'm posturing. I don't really feel like an adult and I don't feel like a kid I feel more like a kid playing dress up. Of course it doesn't help to be surrounded by people all day long who remind you that your opinion and feelings are not valid since "you're SO young". Which is insane since most of them aren't that far out of their 20's to begin with. I guess its like when you have teenagers and forget how hard it is to be a teenager. It's the same for people in their 30's when dealing with those of us in our 20's. All of sudden its as if an entire decade of second guessing and insanity never really happened and its all been replaced by memories of exciting and glamorous events and non-stop fun, fun, fun. I don't want to say that those people are lying to themselves but maybe its just easier to forget all of the pain in angst and remember only the good.

There is so much confusion and pain surrounding this decade. I don't feel prepared to march forward valiantly through adulthood waving my flag of womanhood. I don't know where I fit into the huge puzzle.

I feel as if I'm changing constantly and I'm never really sure who I really am - which is why questions like "what do you like to do" or "describe yourself" tend to send me into a downward spiral of panic attacks and shame. I have no idea who or what I am at this point. The only things I really know for certain is who I am not. I never thought that such innocuous questions could put me into such a tizzy. I'm in the middle of exploring all that I am and all that I like and all that I want. I can't nail anything down. Which is why I secretly pray for my 30's. Most nights when I lie in bed I find myself saying over and over again "only four more years to 30". But I don't even know if 30 will bring all the great wisdom and expertise that it seems to promise or if it will wash away all of this self doubt I have about everything in my life. I mean I put all my eggs in one basket over 21 and look at how well that turned out. I entered this decade a bigger emotional mess then I left my teen years.

I guess I just have to hold out hope that something's gotta give. Time has to change us and we have to be able to move forward. There is no way we can be locked in this eternal adolescence fighting against pubescent feelings and emotions. It just can't be this way until I either get too old or too dead to care.