Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Complete Circle

So back in January (which I declared Fuckuary) my New Year started out with a bang. Literally. That bang? My tire exploding driving home from my New Years Eve party. That flat tire was the start of a long line of me getting fucked in the ass on a regular basis by the universe.

Lately things have not been good. I've been hoping and intending for things to get better and alas nothing. Today I got a flat tire. I was pissed to all hell. It was as if out of the blue the tire went flat. I hadn't driven over anything or sliced a curb or anything like that. I went for a walk to try and get the negative stuff out and all of a sudden it came to me - the flat tire was the start of my crap dump maybe this new flat tire is the end of my crap dump. I ran home because I decided I had to change the tire right at that moment. It felt so important to do it at that moment.

So tomorrow is going to be a new day. I believe it will be getting better from here.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

When to Give Up

How do you really know when its time to let a friendship go? I feel so conflicted right now. The girl who is supposedly my best friend has blasted off the face of the earth in the midst of my personal turmoil. I don't expect a huge amount from my friends. I'm not a "co-dependent" friend, quite the opposite in fact. My main expectations is for friends to rally when the going gets tough sometimes you need someone to cheer you on or make you feel as if you are not worthless or useless. Typically my friends rock at this and are there to tell me how much everyone else sucks and how amazing I am and mix me a drink if the situation calls for it. Right now I just feel as if this one friend is really letting me down.

This is a girl that I have constantly tried to build up and hold up. I have always been on her side no matter what the circumstances. I've noticed a trend with her over the last year that she has become increasingly selfish and I guess this current behavior of leaving me in the cold is a by product of that. Maybe it is just that she feels that since I'm not around to prop her up all the time anymore that she does not really feel that my friendship is necessary. I just don't know what is really going on. I know that I can't salvage a friendship alone. I know that if its something to be worth saving that she has to be pitching in as well. Right now I just don't see that. I never would have really thought that our friendship would end like this with her just not giving a shit anymore and leaving it as it lay.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Dark Spot

I'm really waiting for everything in my life to stop being so God damned difficult. I'm really about 100% over it. I'm so tired of this. I feel like the universe has just been beating the shit out of me non stop for the past year. Anytime I think that I'm making the tiniest bit of headway something just knocks my ass back to the ground, clinches my throat and reminds me where I belong.

I'm tired of feeling depressed and hopeless. I'm tired of feeling rejected and tossed out. Everything feels overwhelming when my life gets like this. Apparently today was dump shit on me day - I wish someone would have told me I never would have gotten out of bed.

I'm just really loosing a lot of will here. I hate getting up in the morning. I feel like such a failure, I feel like such a loser. Here I am with 10 years of amazing work experience under my belt a BA and a Masters and I can't get a job to save my life. My life is so pathetic and I just feel like the most useless waste of space on the planet. I