It Makes Me Wonder

I'm not really sure at this point what was supposed to be our life preparation. No one ever took me aside and explained this whole adult thing to me. It's as if life is impossible to begin until you're tettering on your 30th birthday. I guess the idea is supposed to be that college will prepare you not only for the real world but life as well. I personally believe that college serves to keep us in a state of childhood for a few more years. Sure we all learn of bunch of stuff and potentially that stuff will serve us after we graduate when we get jobs. Though I would like to point out that I have yet to have an interview where someone has asked me to explain the difference between Weberian and Marxist sociological theories. I can do it and I've been waiting.

It just really seems that once you graduate college you step through the looking glass. You are Alice and you are in Wonderland and you're down the rabbit hole. We all just sort of float through time grabbing at straws of adulthood and attempting to be responsible and attempting to be grown up. We are all just falling looking around and wondering when exactly will this rabbit hole end. I think we spend the majority of our twenties waiting to hit our asses on the ground. Instead we float, we fall and try to make sense of everything that is going on around us. All the time wondering how did this happen? And how did I get here? I know if took me a good two years after graduating to stop feeling as if I had just started high school. Even now more than half way through my twenties I'm just now starting to feel like an adult. I still haven't hit the bottom of the rabbit hole but at least I look around and see that everyone else is falling too.

It All Goes Back to Junior High

As I have been navigating my way through my 20's and exploring all that there is to explore there is one thing that has become abunduntly clear to me - men go through the 20's puberty just like we do.

I think I came to this realization today when I was running errands. I noticed several handsome, presumbly my age men and it hit me they act now the way they all acted in their early teens. Men in their 20's seem absolutely terrified of women. I have witnessed it over and over again at dozens of bars in different places. I will observe a group of 20-something guys hanging out and will notice one of the guys noticing a girl. He will then engage in an adolescent dance of looking but not looking, then ignoring the object of his affection which ultimately gives way to him creepily staring in her direction until she either feels a threat of physical harm or breaks down and goes over to him.

Now the courageous guy will actually approach the object of his affection but not in the way that most women would prefer. It is normally an awkward if not socially retarded introduction on his part normally followed by conversation that a sex worker would probably find inappropriate.
This all leads me to wonder who has it worse?

Granted by this point men seem to have the erection thing under control that was such a troubling and embarassing experience at 13. But women seem to be going through PMS for an entire decade. Men are still resorting to the stupid antics and toliet humor that got them popularity votes in junior high while Women are attempting to figure out how the hell they are supposed to marry one of these idiots. With these sorts of blocks in place it leaves me to wonder how on earth does anyone find anyone at this age. Furthermore how does anyone find anyone to potentially marry this age.

Well, I believe that in order to understand fully how it is that we are supposed to come together at this age one has to explore how we got together in junior high. For this I propose school dances.

Now we will abide by the same rules as we did in junior high. Girls on one side, boys on the other. With the exception of the easy girls who will be making out with any guy they can get their hands on in some dark corner. Now if a girl is interested in dancing with a guy she will of course send over no less then three girlfriends to find out the answers to several important questions such as: 1) Does he like her? 2) Does he like like her? and 3) Will he go over and ask her to dance. Now of course men will have to expect the response of non stop giggling when he does finally come over to ask her to dance. Followed by her friends making kissy noises and saying things like "oooohhhh they're in looooooove".

Granted our bar scene is fairly similar to the junior high dance scenario - what with wingmen and wingwomen attempting to gauge someone else's interest in one of their friends or guys hanging out at the bar or by the pool tables while the girls sit at table's and wait for someone to catch their eye or to catch someone's eye. While it is similar it doesn't seem to have the same effect that the junior high dance did on our dating experiences. Think about it you'd go to the dance and your friends would get your crush to dance with you and by that Monday at school you were boyfriend/girlfriend. Dating was once that simple. Inevitably after two weeks you'd break up in some emotional filled fight before homeroom but for those two weeks it was the most amazing and exciting relationship - guys would even say they loved you after dating you for 2 days.

Oh how the times do change us. Nowadays women are lucky if a man says he loves her after six months and if a guy does say he loves us after 2 days we basically know that he 1) needs to be on medication 2) needs to be in therapy or 3) has serious Mommy issues. Nevermind a commitment of a relationship after one dance most women can barely get a guy to call her after she has sex with him. Now I hope this doesn't make me sound jaded - because I'm not - its just that I'm craving the simplicity with which we all once lived our lives. Not that I don't remember all the horrible dramas of being 13 and dealing with all of the pubscent crap - because once again as I remind you I'm going through it all over again.

Have to Get It Off My Chest

Being in your mid 20's is akin to being 13 and going through the complete and utter humiliation and embarassment of puberty. It's happening all over again I keep saying to myself in the fleeting moments of clarity that dance in and out of my life. I thought for certain that once I hit my 20's everything would be perfect. All of those feelings of self doubt would wash away at the stroke of my 21st birthday. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

As I'm getting deeper into my 20's (therefore closer to my 30's) I'm realizing more and more that I'm posturing. I don't really feel like an adult and I don't feel like a kid I feel more like a kid playing dress up. Of course it doesn't help to be surrounded by people all day long who remind you that your opinion and feelings are not valid since "you're SO young". Which is insane since most of them aren't that far out of their 20's to begin with. I guess its like when you have teenagers and forget how hard it is to be a teenager. It's the same for people in their 30's when dealing with those of us in our 20's. All of sudden its as if an entire decade of second guessing and insanity never really happened and its all been replaced by memories of exciting and glamorous events and non-stop fun, fun, fun. I don't want to say that those people are lying to themselves but maybe its just easier to forget all of the pain in angst and remember only the good.

There is so much confusion and pain surrounding this decade. I don't feel prepared to march forward valiantly through adulthood waving my flag of womanhood. I don't know where I fit into the huge puzzle.

I feel as if I'm changing constantly and I'm never really sure who I really am - which is why questions like "what do you like to do" or "describe yourself" tend to send me into a downward spiral of panic attacks and shame. I have no idea who or what I am at this point. The only things I really know for certain is who I am not. I never thought that such innocuous questions could put me into such a tizzy. I'm in the middle of exploring all that I am and all that I like and all that I want. I can't nail anything down. Which is why I secretly pray for my 30's. Most nights when I lie in bed I find myself saying over and over again "only four more years to 30". But I don't even know if 30 will bring all the great wisdom and expertise that it seems to promise or if it will wash away all of this self doubt I have about everything in my life. I mean I put all my eggs in one basket over 21 and look at how well that turned out. I entered this decade a bigger emotional mess then I left my teen years.

I guess I just have to hold out hope that something's gotta give. Time has to change us and we have to be able to move forward. There is no way we can be locked in this eternal adolescence fighting against pubescent feelings and emotions. It just can't be this way until I either get too old or too dead to care.