Down in the Dumps

Well kids I feel like I've been living among ghosts too much lately. I've been digging and digging and digging into my past relationships to see if my instincts are right about this one and what emotional baggage I'm still carrying around. I think a lot of this self-discovery is causing me to feel a little down. Revisiting these shadows from my past is draining and has really dredged up a lot of pain that I thought had long ago vanished.

I have been confronted by men that I hurt badly and men who hurt me badly. I've remembered a lot of times in my life that I thought I had long forgotten. Seeing everything through a fresh prespective has really allowed me to let go of a lot of things I've carried for years. Maybe thats where the sadness is coming from - granted everything I'm letting go of is negative feelings but after a while its like a security blanket and I guess tossing out those old ideas and old feelings is making me feel naked and vulnerable. I've just been feeling raw and exhausted all week. Getting down deep inside of myself is really causing me a lot of grief. Its like an exploration, I may want to turn around since its scary and flee but the sense of adventure in me is too strong and its thrilling and horrifying all at the same time.

Right now I wish I could see some of these men from my past so that I can have my peace. But since that won't happen I've found that the universe has been kind to me lately and has been giving me closure through dreams. In fact Senior Year of College Heart Stomper found me in a dream hugged me and whispered "I'm sorry for everything" in my ear. I felt weight lift off my shoulders the next day. Last night I know I made some more peace but I can't remember with who all I know is that I woke up lighter.

Mercury in retrograde is normally a horrible experience for me. I basically cannot leave the house or do anything. But this go around I'm taking the advice of everyone out there and revisiting things past (which is what the elusive they recommend during these times). Its been incredibly helpful and I feel as though everything is easily opening up to me beceause of it. I'm still feeling the same way I always feel during retrograde - run down, moody and conflicted but at least I'm trying to use it to my advantage this time.