Casting a Line into the Pond

So in the spirit of moving forward I have put myself back out there. So far I've been pretty damn lucky. I've met a few really nice guys online and have talked to some of them off line. I'm not sure if I want to meet all of them yet. There is one guy in particular who I had a great conversation with and who I am really excited to meet in person. I'm hoping that great guys keep coming and I'm really trying to give everyone a shot as long as they don't sound hostile or look like a wookie. I think those are fairly broad and fair nets to cast out.

Oh, my other new rule with this too is that I will not contact a guy at all. The reason behind this may seem silly but a psychic told me to just let them come to me and that would be the most effective thing to do. So I took her advice. Hell, she was right about quite a few other things.

Hopefully through my new interests I will be able to meet some new people as well. My friend who went rock climbing with me was quick to point out the bevy of young, cute guys hanging out. Who knows who we'll meet. Then of course I have my plans to take it back old school and start archery again. She and I are also planning a day of race car driving.

To the Extreme

So recently I have been on this great adventure kick and I'm trying to figure out what its all about and where it has all come from. Last night after talking to my mom about that days adventure (more on that later) I figured it out. For a very long time I was a passive participant in my own life.

I was boring. I had no interests, no hobbies, nothing exciting going on in my life at all. I felt bored all the time because I was boring. Right now I feel like I'm having a rebirth of sorts. I'm really, truly coming into my own and learning how to stretch in my skin. I feel as if I can grab anything up in this world and do anything that I want. I've never felt this way before.

Now what brought on this change intitally is beyond me. I feel as if I literally woke up one day and decided to go really live life.

As for yesterdays challenge. I went rock climbing for the first time. Granted it was indoors but it was fun and exhilirating all the same. I never would have thought that climbing 45 feet straight up would be no big deal to me. But it was. It was just amazing.

When you are climbing all you are focused on is reaching the top. Thats it. It was like when I was looking down it didn't even register to me how high up I was. It just didn't cross my mind. All I was thinking about was where the hell is the next foot hold?

What was great too was that the instructor has you practice falling on a shorter wall. Which is great because once you get out to the 45 footer you feel like you can fall and you know you will be safe. Actually at one point my belayer told me to fall since I was stuck in one spot on the wall. Without doubt I just let go and fell and moved to a new spot on the wall.

It was so much fun and something that I could really see myself doing a couple times a week. It was a good workout and really got your adrenaline going and really works all areas of your body. I was exhausted when I came back from class. It was worth every penny I spent on it.

Fallout Girl

So I'm still dealing with the fallout from last weeks revelation by Boyfriend (guess I have to figure out a new name, huh?). I just don't understand why this all has to hurt so badly? I keep trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm okay but it just keeps backfiring. In my heart of hearts I know that the both of us have things that we need to work on and if we both put in that hardwork this could actually go somewhere.

I just have never felt the way I feel for him. I'm trying to get back out there and see what happens. I don't know if the way I felt about him was because of my new found strength, confidence and self esteem and that I had resolved quite a lot of issues before I met him. I feel as if it is necessary to go out on some dates in order to really sort my feelings. I have also decided that I am not going to re-establish the friendship with Boyfriend until October 18th. Why October 18th? It just came into my mind today and it felt right. So I'm going with it. I'm attempting to have faith and trust my intuition. So here's the plan:

-For the next month and a half I'm following my gut. Whatever my instincts tell me to do I'm doing. I need to start really trusting in myself and seeing that I do in fact know whats best and my gut is pretty damn smart

- Go on 5 dates - at least. If possible more. If possible with 5 different guys.

- Start all of the new hobbies that I've been wanting to get into. I will go rock climbing this weekend. I took self defense last weekend. I will learn to knit the weekend after that. I will go kayaking after that and I will start archery right after that.

My goal is to have a date and a new activity every weekend until he and I talk again.

- I'm also going to do some work on forgiveness and work out the issue I have that has been the pink elephant in the room

All of these things I believe will help me move forward in my life. Even if Boyfriend does not come back into in a romantic sense. If anything it will make me a more interesting person and will allow me to get out there and meet new people and try some new things.

When All You Though You Knew Turns Out to Be Wrong

That pretty much says it there kids. Boyfriend said he doesn't want this, he isn't feeling it. He feels it more on the friendship tip then on the romantic tip. I called bullshit on him. He said that was fair. I told him I love him. He said he couldn't lose my friendship.

I feel as if I need to take him at face value and just accept what he is saying to me. But a voice inside of me is saying this has been different has is this even possible? But I guess its possible for me to feel something that he does not.

Boyfriend has helped me with a lot of things in my life. He has been a great friend to me. He has helped me work through a lot of my demons and has taught me that I can trust, depend and be vulnerable with a man and not have backfire in my face.

Most of all he has taught me to live life without fear. So I'm at a crossroads. Do I keep this amazing man in my life as a friend or do I just walk away. I'm not sure my life would be for the better without him in it. He said he sees me in his life forever just not as his wife. Yeah, that stung kids real bad. Maybe me seeing him in my life forever is in this capacity. I don't know. I cannot say what will happen next week or next month or next year.

Life is a crazy unpredictable journey. I feel very sad and very shaken by the conversation between us last night. I just never thought I could misread so one to the extent that I have misread him.

I know I need some serious time away from him to sort out how I really feel and what I really want. All I know is that since January 1st I have felt very strongly that 2006 is my year. This is when it all comes together. So if Boyfriend is not my connection then the next guy has to be even better.

Taking Stock

So a while back I declared shenanigans on my own life and set out for a super exciting life makeover. I had declared that certain items must be in my life by August 31st or all bets were off and I was packing it in and moving back home. I decided since said deadline has passed it was time to take a look at what I considered my "awesomeness barriers" and how things have changed since then.

I lamented that I had no man in my life, no job that I loved, no good place to live and no exciting hobbies. First things first - I sort of have the man right now. We're moving back to that place and are trying to start fresh and see where it goes. So I check that off. No job I love - solved that. I now have a job that I love immensely and that I'm good at and receive recognition. Check. Still no good place to live the housing market is too damn expensive and I took a pay cut to get said new exciting job so its a no go. Exciting hobbies. That is a check folks. I'm working on that stuff all the time and really trying to develop my interests.

Apparently setting a deadline for yourself really does something. Who knew? I certainly did not. It wasn't even that long ago and looking back it feels so far and so long ago. I can't believe how much my life has shifted and how much better everything is now.

Last night, spending time with some girlfriends, the topic of when you were happiest came up. Interestingly, we all agreed that at this moment in time we are all at our happiest. I truly agree. Even though things aren't exactly where I want them and some things could be better (*cough*cough* Boyfriend *cough*cough*) it is not enough to make me feel miserable in my life. I have amazing friends and a great life. I am really, really happy and I don't think I would have imagined 6 months ago that this is the place I would be at.

I've finally found a job I love and a man who I'm pretty convinced is the one and a great group of friends who actually get me. Who could ask more?