January? Try Suckuary

So the new year itself seemed promising enough. What with one hour post new year I got my first flat tire in nearly 4 years. Joy. After an hour of waiting and realizing that AAA was probably busy with much more then little ol me. I rolled up my sleeves and got to work on changing the tire my damn self. Which is looking to be the theme of the year so far. Granted, once I got the spare out and ready and the car jacked two young, gallant and slightly toasted gentlemen showed up. The grabbed the tools from me and make a quick job of changing the tire. All they asked in return was for me to get home safe. I thought wow, what a great sign maybe this means all the hardships and hardwork I've been doing will finally pay off.

Wrong.

If there are payoffs homegirl is not seeing them just yet. Maybe I need to endure some more aggravation that I don't deserve or need before I am gallantly rescued from myself.

This whole month has so far been one giant suck fest. Every time I feel as if I'm taking one step forward the universe chimes in, SORRY back to start fucktard. And there I stand once again braving out into the world only to get snapped back to step 1.

On the brighter side, lessons learned for 2007:

1- Every guy on the planet not a dick as previously believed (thank you slightly toasted knights)
2 - When you ask for help sometimes you actually get it
3 - knitting - not as hard as it seems
4 - People who drink and drive should be sterilized and sent to rape you in the ass prison forever
5 -Sticking up for yourself is a good quality
6 - Not taking no for an answer is a good stance

So far, I guess the lessons learned have been good. But I'm getting a little tired or self development, growth and lesson learning. I get that these are clearly tools I need for the next pase of my life but I'm tired with it already. I get it. Growth. Right, not that hard of a concept.

I've been trying hard to not see this month as th standard mark for the rest of the year. As a friend pointed out maybe I'm getting all the sucking now and the rest of the year will be suck free. Oh from your mouth to God's ears. If that was the case I am more then happy to take my far share of suck for the time being and then handle an ass rocking rest of the year. Let's hope because I don't think I can handle much more crap being heaped upon the crap mountain.

The More Things Change The More They Stay the Same

So I've decided that I'm not letting these boys get down anymore. If Einstein wants to bounce back in he's more then welcome. I certainly have not closed the door on him but I'm not going to sit around and worry about whether or not he is going to bounce back in. The door is open and thats the end of it. My girlfriend who is friend's with Einstein had not heard from either until last night, so who knows maybe I'm on that list of people to get to and maybe I'm not. Either way I'm not stressing.

Same goes for Ex-Boyfriend. After he randomly popped back up on Christmas and was adament about seeing me he has since popped back down. If he wants to pop up again fine, he just better have a shovel and be ready to do some backfilling is all I'm saying.

I've really made a decision that I am no longer chasing this stuff. It is what it is. If someone wants to be with me fine. But they better know it is going to involve some work. I'm busy and have plenty of hobbies and friends to stay busy with so I honestly at this point do not care what happens.

If both of these men fell away from me for the rest of my life I would be sad because I would miss their friendships. But my world would not stop if it was to happen. I feel like this is a big lesson for me to have learned. For a long time I just could not get past the idea of having boyfriend or being in a relationhip making you worth something. In High School sure, it's a status symbol type of thing. But it seems that as you become an adult it's almost a bigger status symbol to not be in a relationship. It's interesting how that all switches. Granted, I'm over the questions from everyone and sometimes I do beat myself up a bit since I've been able to get anything else I've ever wanted out of life and yet this remains ever elusive. That I cannot understand. But I'm trying hard to realize that there are not answers to everything and that sometimes I just have to be happy not knowing. Right now I'm trying hard to do that with Einstein and Ex-Boyfriend.

I strongly believe that this is my year. I'm writing here. It's committed to the world. I'm ready to have love find me and to get things going in that department. But ----love will find me not the other way around. I strongly believe that. Believe it our not but in everything else in my life I have taken a decidely anti-active stance and it has worked wonderfully for me. Not being pro-active is how I decided on my college, got all my jobs and most other things in my life. So I figure not being a go-getter is the way to go once again in my non-pursuit of love.

Grrr....

So at this point I don't know what to think. Einstein went to Argentina to see the hippy girlfriend. He supposedly returned to the good ol' US of A over the weekend and I have not heard a peep from him. Granted, I haven't heard a peep from him in nearly a month but still, I just thought he was trying to figure out this whole Argentinan girlfriend vs. me situation. I was more then willing to be patient and give it time. Now, I just feel fed up and completely pissed.

He started all of this. Actions are not without consequence. Why is it that people feel the need to never communicate about what is going in with them? Do men not realize that when they do this we get hurt. If all he wanted to do was just hang out thats all he needed to say and then I would have known with 100% certainity to not get myself attached to him. But since he left everything up in the air I left myself get attached.

I don't even know if I was to pursue things with Einstein any more. I just want answers. That's it. Why the hell did you start this? You are aware I have feelings, correct?

One of my girlfriends suggested giving him a week to get back to me post trip. Okay, fine I'll do that. But it just seems stupid that I have to bow down and wait longer for him. I've done plenty of waiting at this point. He needs to sack up and let me know where the hell I stand.

I thought that we could at least be friends. Hell when we went out that first time I thought we were going out as friends. All I was looking for was a friendship and he got me caught up in something else.

Stupid guys.