The More Things Change The More They Stay the Same

So I've decided that I'm not letting these boys get down anymore. If Einstein wants to bounce back in he's more then welcome. I certainly have not closed the door on him but I'm not going to sit around and worry about whether or not he is going to bounce back in. The door is open and thats the end of it. My girlfriend who is friend's with Einstein had not heard from either until last night, so who knows maybe I'm on that list of people to get to and maybe I'm not. Either way I'm not stressing.

Same goes for Ex-Boyfriend. After he randomly popped back up on Christmas and was adament about seeing me he has since popped back down. If he wants to pop up again fine, he just better have a shovel and be ready to do some backfilling is all I'm saying.

I've really made a decision that I am no longer chasing this stuff. It is what it is. If someone wants to be with me fine. But they better know it is going to involve some work. I'm busy and have plenty of hobbies and friends to stay busy with so I honestly at this point do not care what happens.

If both of these men fell away from me for the rest of my life I would be sad because I would miss their friendships. But my world would not stop if it was to happen. I feel like this is a big lesson for me to have learned. For a long time I just could not get past the idea of having boyfriend or being in a relationhip making you worth something. In High School sure, it's a status symbol type of thing. But it seems that as you become an adult it's almost a bigger status symbol to not be in a relationship. It's interesting how that all switches. Granted, I'm over the questions from everyone and sometimes I do beat myself up a bit since I've been able to get anything else I've ever wanted out of life and yet this remains ever elusive. That I cannot understand. But I'm trying hard to realize that there are not answers to everything and that sometimes I just have to be happy not knowing. Right now I'm trying hard to do that with Einstein and Ex-Boyfriend.

I strongly believe that this is my year. I'm writing here. It's committed to the world. I'm ready to have love find me and to get things going in that department. But ----love will find me not the other way around. I strongly believe that. Believe it our not but in everything else in my life I have taken a decidely anti-active stance and it has worked wonderfully for me. Not being pro-active is how I decided on my college, got all my jobs and most other things in my life. So I figure not being a go-getter is the way to go once again in my non-pursuit of love.