Saying Things You Don't Believe

Why is it so much easier to believe bad things about yourself then the good? I've really been facing a crisis of conscience and find it so difficult to focus on the positive. I just feel that I'm getting down on myself because things are not exactly mapping out the way I thought. I was quite certain that by this time I would have a new job and be able to hold off starting until June. I was certain that my plans would be cemented to go out and see LA Boy. Neither of these have come to pass and I guess I'm just ready to say well okay I guess everything is a complete loss.

I guess I'm just still plowing through getting over my impatience. I do not know why I think that everything should come when I'm ready as opposed to when the universe is ready to provide me with what I want. I suppose it really is the Veruca Salt syndrome for me, I dislike this aspect about myself so much I wish I could just flow with it and accept that things sometimes just take time. The world does not run on my time schedule and I know that, I have to accept that things will come to me it just is on someone elses schedule.

I know exactly what I want out of my life and since I spend so much time going back and forth I guess that when I make up my mind or see something in my sights that I know is what I want, I just think that its close enough to be in my graps so it should be in my lap. I'm just so ready to have the things that I want, at least I suppose I am. If I really was they would already be here wouldn't they? There may be more things I need to learn or more development before I can really get what it is that I want.

I need to focus on the positive. Too often I find myself daydreaming and imagining scenarios with all the things I want and then dismissing my positive cheery thoughts. Its as if I do not want to set myself up for disappointment but maybe I am setting myself up disappointment by dismissing these wonderful thoughts. My goal is to let myself have these thoughts and say yes, this could be so and I welcome it to come along. So let's start....I see myself sitting on the plane to LA reading the Valley of the Dolls (the book I bought to read on my plane ride to LA) just beaming. I can see myself seeing LA Boy through a crowded baggage claim area and big smiles breaking across both of our faces as we see each other...as I wrote that I got the greatest feeling in my stomach....we hug maybe a little quick unsure kiss and off we go. I can hear him talking excitedly about all that he has thought out for my visit and just feeling comfortable and warm. I can see the palm trees and feel the warm sun and see his beautiful green eyes gleaming at me.

That is definately good for now...