Recognizing my own Spasticity

It is pretty much official, I am a complete spaz. As much as I like to beleive that as we age we leave behind old personas and grow into a new person. I like to see myself as a strong, confident, unshakeable woman who is quite secure however LA Boy has been making me feel like a spastic loser.

With most guys I date or like I second guess myself but on the surface to them I am cool, confident and collected. They see me as this confident, secure woman meanwhile I just quietly panic on the inside (or on this blog). In emails to LA Boy I am a spaz. Not just any kind of spaz, a total loser spaz. For some reason I am convinced, CONVINCED that he has zero interest in me and every time I write an email to him I feel like I'm wasting his time and annoying him. Its like liking the really cool guy in middle school and you just spaz out around him. I feel like I send him the email equivalent of giggling uncontrollable and turning bright red.

Maybe I'm being hard on myself, I don't know. All I know is every timeI hit send I just think I'm such a dork. I've really never had a guy bring this out in me. I don't know where its coming from. He isn't like this super slick George Clooney type, he's just as goofy ass as I am. We were both total dorks in high school, neither of us went to the prom so I don't know where this huge hit of insecurity is coming from. I hate that I feel like this. But interestingly enough, even though I feel retarded and like I'm wasting his time I still feel like everything is going to be fine so I have no idea what my problem is.