Retrograde? Downgrade!

Nothing goes right for three weeks three times a year. Dammit. I hate this time so much. Everything moves insanely slow. One week feels like a month. I can't stand this. I'm counting down the slow days until its all over. I can't wait for everything to snap back in place.

While I appreciate the fact that this is a great time to reconsider and reconnect and rehash old things. It doesn't stop it from sucking and sucking hard. I've been doing so much retrograde cleaning of my psyche its making me nuts. Granted I'm having some huge breakthroughs and feeling better but its still isn't keeping everything from sucking.

Down in the Dumps

Well kids I feel like I've been living among ghosts too much lately. I've been digging and digging and digging into my past relationships to see if my instincts are right about this one and what emotional baggage I'm still carrying around. I think a lot of this self-discovery is causing me to feel a little down. Revisiting these shadows from my past is draining and has really dredged up a lot of pain that I thought had long ago vanished.

I have been confronted by men that I hurt badly and men who hurt me badly. I've remembered a lot of times in my life that I thought I had long forgotten. Seeing everything through a fresh prespective has really allowed me to let go of a lot of things I've carried for years. Maybe thats where the sadness is coming from - granted everything I'm letting go of is negative feelings but after a while its like a security blanket and I guess tossing out those old ideas and old feelings is making me feel naked and vulnerable. I've just been feeling raw and exhausted all week. Getting down deep inside of myself is really causing me a lot of grief. Its like an exploration, I may want to turn around since its scary and flee but the sense of adventure in me is too strong and its thrilling and horrifying all at the same time.

Right now I wish I could see some of these men from my past so that I can have my peace. But since that won't happen I've found that the universe has been kind to me lately and has been giving me closure through dreams. In fact Senior Year of College Heart Stomper found me in a dream hugged me and whispered "I'm sorry for everything" in my ear. I felt weight lift off my shoulders the next day. Last night I know I made some more peace but I can't remember with who all I know is that I woke up lighter.

Mercury in retrograde is normally a horrible experience for me. I basically cannot leave the house or do anything. But this go around I'm taking the advice of everyone out there and revisiting things past (which is what the elusive they recommend during these times). Its been incredibly helpful and I feel as though everything is easily opening up to me beceause of it. I'm still feeling the same way I always feel during retrograde - run down, moody and conflicted but at least I'm trying to use it to my advantage this time.

Proust Questionnaire

The questionnaire below was given to Proust at a party at the age of 13 then again at 20. Currently Vanity Fair gives this questionnaire to random people and it is the last page in their magazine. This questionnaire is circulating around (check out The Girl with Moxie for the full scoop).

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Living a life filled with love, great friends and family

What is your greatest fear?

That I will never find true love and will never experience that incredible, unbreaking bond with another human being.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Alexandra Romanov - she was so committed to Nicholas and there were always so in love. She only wanted the greatest for the empire and for her family. Her behaviors were unorthodox but she was an enigma.

Which living person do you most admire?

My mother

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My impatience. I have been working so hard on it but its difficult because, well I'm impatient. Its a vicious disgusting cycle.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

modesy or tactfulness - sometimes its imprudent to be either.

On what occasion do you lie?

I try not to but I'm a Gemini and sometimes we lie just to see if we get caught.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

I wish I had more muscle tone.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

I have a few "Look", "Okay""well you know" "I don't know"

What is your greatest extravagance?

Shoes. Hands down. I could be broke but if I see a pair I have to have they are mine. Just walking in a shoe store is like Prozac for me.

What is your favorite journey?

Life. It is an amazing and complex road that I'm walking down. I'm consistently amazed with the things I see, the things I learn and how I am growing. I'm amazed with how much I don't know myself at times.

What is your greatest regret?

I regret nothing that I have done in my life

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Haven't had the greatest love of my life yet but I think I'm pretty damn close

When and where were you happiest?

I don't think I've reached my limit yet. I was pretty happy as a kid but I have yet to have my ideal happiness

Which talent would you most like to have?

Oh I wish to God I could play an instrument or paint. I'm so creative but totally not artistic.

What is your current state of mind?

Confused and conflicted

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

That I wouldn't blame myself for things that are out of my control and actually understand that somethings are out of my control and just accept it.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Being brave enough to dive into who I really am and trying to live my life to the fullest

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I'd want to come back as a man. Just curious what thats all about.

What is your most treasured possession?

I don't treasure material objects I only treasure people in my life and they are not possessions

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Being in a situation you hate and being unable to move out of it for reasons that are completely beyond your control.

Where would you like to live?

Anyplace that feels like home, I've yet to find it.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Probably my sense of humor

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Intellect and humor

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

non-judgemental

What do you value most in your friends?

Their honesty and their ability to read my well and know what I need because frankly sometimes they have to tell me.

Who are your favorite writers?

It fluxes all the time I do love pretty much anything by Gregory Maguire and I'm starting to love Jennifer Weiners style

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Morgaine from The Mists of Avalon

Who are your heroes in real life?

Anyone who stands up for themselves or anyone who tries to diminish suffering and pain in this world even if its just a small amount.

What is it that you most dislike?

People with no manners, bad drivers/slow drivers, people who want you to give them their self-esteem, lack of turn lights, Bee Line buses

How would you like to die?

Content with the life that I lived and the things that I did.

What is your motto?

Try everything at least once

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

A girlfriend of mine recently suggested to me that the reason my relationship with "Boyfriend" had to stop was because he needed his last Hurrah and I needed to work out my ex issues (yeah who gets the better deal there). At first I thought she was wrong but the past few nights have shown me that I possibly may have never dealt properly with my feelings towards exes.

This became fairly clear to me last night. In a dream an ex who stomped my heart pretty bad my last year of college, in fact he still brings a groan out of friends when he is mentioned (yeah it was THAT bad) popped up in my dreams last night. Keep in mind this is a guy I haven't thought about in five years. And there he was in all his glory and my feelings towards him in the dream were the same I used to have.

Which got my wondering - when you are certain you have The One staring you in the face are you visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past?

Granted "Boyfriend" does remind me of Very First Love Boyfriend but he didn't until we had our first kiss. At times we reminds me of Senior Year of College Heart Stomper, but thats mostly an attitude thing. Then on occasional the way he says something or the way he would grab at me reminded me of the Mechanic I Chased and when he's getting excited talking about something goofy or serious he reminds me of Studious History Guy. The way he looks at me and is protective of me reminds me of Right Guy Wrong Time Guy, the way he can be so sweet and doesn't realize it reminds me of Sophomore Year of HS Guy. His need to be independent and in control reminds me of Freshman Year Guy.

Maybe the way the path works is that you meet all of these guys before The One who prepare you for him. They show you how to deal with the bad and what good you want in a guy. Maybe thats all The One really is - they're just a mish-mash of all of the great qualities about your exes with none of their bad traits. And the bad traits that they do have are livable and manageable.

How Did the Brakes Go Out?

This past long holiday weekend I took a pause from my honey and started to realize that I had yet to stop and ask myself what I wanted, what I needed and if Boyfriend could really give me those things. I started to think that maybe we needed to break up or slow down but that was knocked out of my head by friends who lovingly mentioned that I may be projecting feelings onto the relationship that should not be there. Granted, they are normally quite correct. Especially since current Boyfriend is reminiscent of Very First Boyfriend Ever. Turns out I'm reminiscent of Very First Girlfriend Ever to Boyfriend.

Interesting conversations happened last night. I'm still not sure what to think or how to feel. I think we are both so confused. I feel like I was pumping this relationship so fast because I wanted to see where it was going to go and what would happen and I just never stopped to think I'm I comfortable with how fast this is all going? The answer is an overwhelming no for the both of us. Somehow neither of us wanted it to go so fast and yet neither of us hit the brakes. I think I was just so thrilled to meet a great guy I just wanted to hold on and his life is such a mess he grabbed onto the first stable thing he saw.

What it comes down to is that we are two people who care about one another but who have been hurt extremely badly and are very scared. Both of us want to go incredibly slow but we somehow lost sight of that so now I'm not sure how to proceed. When Boyfriend (well not Boyfriend anymore) said that he wanted to slow down he thought my reaction would be so violent that he would never see again so he never stopped to think where we wanted it to go. So now we're in limbo.

Considering that I'm no slouch in the looks or personality department I figure I will try my best, put my best foot forward and just get out there and see what happens. There is no law against having fun while trying to figure out what you want, right? I just need to break away from him and really think and I may figure it all out in a few days or in a month. I also know I have a lot of stuff I need to work on from my past and so does he. Only time will tell where this is headed and what's going to happen. While I still believe that "Boyfriend" and I have something special and something I've never seen before that doesn't mean that it won't change. If he and I are meant to happen it will come back around if not I'll meet someone who will just blow him out of the water.