More of the Same

For some reason over the past year or so one of my girlfriends and I have been living parallel lives. She wen through the same Boyfriend thing that I did and right now we are both facing the same dilemna - boys in WAY far away states and having no clue as to the outcome of the situation. Her boy is Florida boy and she's known him WAY longer then I've known LA boy. She has also been dealing with more back and forth then I have but still its just funny how its all panning out. I'm loving it because its someone else who can relate exactly to what I'm going through.

We were both hating our jobs at the same time, doubting our relationships at the same time. Now we are both fixated on these super independent, workaholic boys living in sunny, sunny states. We both have had identical problems with all of our guys. The current ones are sexyily ambitious and love their jobs the old ones were ambitious but whiny bitches about it. Its just funny.

Mind Over Matter

Last night I watched Criss Angel's Mindfreak for the very first time, I was completely amazed. Regardless of what you may think about illusion or magic what struck me was that this man has complete confidence in what he is doing, there is no hesitation no doubt, he believes so fully in himself that I found it hard not to believe him as well. It got me to think, why can't we all live a little bit more like that? I really want to take in those sorts of behaviors, who couldn't use some complete confidence? I hate listening to voices of doubt in my own head there is nothing I want more then to eliminate them from my mind. This guy believes he can do anything so why can't he? I think that his approach to life is awesome and I really hope I can start to change a bit.

Unsettled in your own Skin

Lately I have not been feeling like myself. I'm not sure what exactly its all about. For the last couple of months I was really looking forward to packing it up and move back to my hometown, i had all of these ideas about how things were going to be and how they were going to go, so far my ideas have not come to fruition. I'm not sure if this is what is making me feel less then stellar. It doesn't feel like disappointment it feels as if I've lost my joy.

I hate taking myself down these dark roads, I know it is so counterproductive but somehow I just cannot snap out of this funk. It literally creeped in over night, everything was fine I felt amazing and impowered and in control and then one morning I woke up and all of those feelings were gone. I feel like its been a week since I've felt good about myself and my situation and that is just way too long for me.

At first I thought it was hormonal but my period has since ended and I'm still feeling not right. Then I thought maybe it was because I wasn't doing any big time cardio but that has not been the answer. I'm not sure what it is that I need. Maybe I just need to keep telling myself the fairy tale, the beautiful story of what it is that I want and how gorgeous it will be when I receive it. I just want to feel right again and feel good and feel beautiful. Right now I feel so "ugh" and just like I'm not who I really am.

Saying Things You Don't Believe

Why is it so much easier to believe bad things about yourself then the good? I've really been facing a crisis of conscience and find it so difficult to focus on the positive. I just feel that I'm getting down on myself because things are not exactly mapping out the way I thought. I was quite certain that by this time I would have a new job and be able to hold off starting until June. I was certain that my plans would be cemented to go out and see LA Boy. Neither of these have come to pass and I guess I'm just ready to say well okay I guess everything is a complete loss.

I guess I'm just still plowing through getting over my impatience. I do not know why I think that everything should come when I'm ready as opposed to when the universe is ready to provide me with what I want. I suppose it really is the Veruca Salt syndrome for me, I dislike this aspect about myself so much I wish I could just flow with it and accept that things sometimes just take time. The world does not run on my time schedule and I know that, I have to accept that things will come to me it just is on someone elses schedule.

I know exactly what I want out of my life and since I spend so much time going back and forth I guess that when I make up my mind or see something in my sights that I know is what I want, I just think that its close enough to be in my graps so it should be in my lap. I'm just so ready to have the things that I want, at least I suppose I am. If I really was they would already be here wouldn't they? There may be more things I need to learn or more development before I can really get what it is that I want.

I need to focus on the positive. Too often I find myself daydreaming and imagining scenarios with all the things I want and then dismissing my positive cheery thoughts. Its as if I do not want to set myself up for disappointment but maybe I am setting myself up disappointment by dismissing these wonderful thoughts. My goal is to let myself have these thoughts and say yes, this could be so and I welcome it to come along. So let's start....I see myself sitting on the plane to LA reading the Valley of the Dolls (the book I bought to read on my plane ride to LA) just beaming. I can see myself seeing LA Boy through a crowded baggage claim area and big smiles breaking across both of our faces as we see each other...as I wrote that I got the greatest feeling in my stomach....we hug maybe a little quick unsure kiss and off we go. I can hear him talking excitedly about all that he has thought out for my visit and just feeling comfortable and warm. I can see the palm trees and feel the warm sun and see his beautiful green eyes gleaming at me.

That is definately good for now...

Mispent Youth

Friday evening I met up with my old girlfriend from high school (henceforth known as OGFHS). She invited me to her home and we figured we would take it from there. I was a little nervous, ever since I heard from her I was really concerned that she would be harboring bad feelings about me abandoning her and I knew it would have to put out in the open.

upon arrival at her place everything felt, well good. She introduced me to her fiance, her baby and her whole place. We then decided to get going and just sort of fly by the seat of our pants. Us being on the older side of our age (meaning that some people are age still rage for fun and we just would rather not, thank you very much) we settled on drinks and light dinner. Conversation was easy and we had so much to catch up on. Every time I would open my mouth it was just dishing out stuff that happened since the last time we talked. We both opened up to each other about tough times we both had, it turns out we were both going through some yucky stuff at the same time (her yucky went on longer then my yucky).

The evening went on well enough and we spent over 5 hours together. As I was driving her home she brings up the situation that made us stop talking, her degenerate ex-boyfriend. I was sort of mentally panicking, I was waiting for the swift verbal kick to the gut, she talked about how she was insensitive and wrong during that situation and how I was the only person telling her the truth that this guy was a lowlife. She told me that she waited to hear from me again, she figured that I was angry and in time would cool out and resume the friendship. I told her it was not that I was angry it was that I could not watch someone I love be ripped apart and I figured she was angry with me and that when she got some sense I'd hear from her.

Regardless, I am so pleased that we reconnected. I am so happy to see her happy. It was just a nice evening and I really look forward to keeping it all going.

Randomness of the Day

I woke this morning with a lot of nervous energy after a night of bizarre dreams and little sleep. I could not quite place what the feeling was in my stomach, as is the case with my particular brand of psychic - i know when stuff is going to happen but never exactly what and to what severity. Oh really, an example you say? Okay like the time I had a feeling of doom going to the grocery store only to have it subside once I saw they were out of the salsa I wanted (the sole purpose of said excursion).

Anyway, back to said nervous energy. I just didn't know what was going to happen. Would LA Boy call and demand I hop the next plane? Would I get a call from my dream job? Would I hear some super hot gossip? I did hear super hot gossip from my old job but that did not kill the feeling so I knew that was not it.

No, it was an email from a girl I have not spoken to in just about 6 years. She and I were super close and absolute best friends in high school and college. We stopped being friends when she began dating this complete asshole (I'm talking, like hitting her in Target kind of asshole) and she refused to get rid of him. I was unable to stick around to watch her self destruct and him turn her against me. I just could not watch this amazing, vibrant, beautiful person fall apart and I bounced. Granted, not the proudest moment of my life but I was 20 and who the hell knows how to cope at 20? Again, not an excuse but it seemed sufficient at the time.

Well there it was. Nothing sad or accusatory just an honest out reach. She really missed me and wanted to hear from me. I realized that I felt the same, I had been thinking a lot about her since moving back my hometown. Your ghosts of your youth are everywhere in a hometown and its hard to not think about the people who you no longer speak to and who you had such a tight bond. It's just cool. I'm hoping she'll understand why I had to leave her though it seems like she wants to forgive and forget and just move forward. I'm exciting. I love when unexpected things happen.

New Moon in Taurus

What do you want from the universe? Such a question was posed to me today in my daily email of horoscope and interplanetary news. Apparently today is the day to make magic happen as the new moon happily shifts into Taurus. What a question...what do I want from the universe? Such a great question. Well, if I write down what I want it is supposed to give it power so let's see.

1. Ass kicking job. The salary I want (my old salary plus 5-10 g's), kick ass perks i.e., gym, awesome benefits + company pays premium, bonuses, chance to travel, lots of vacation time, sick time off, all holidays off and paid for, awesome co-workers, a boss who gets me and actually likes me, reimbursable commuting expenses, good hours, a real work hard/play hard mentality, awesome team environment, 100% 401K matching, no waiting for all benefits, business casual and casual fridays, healthy snacks in office, free soda/water, and great coffee

2. Actually get to go to LA and see if things could work between me and LA Boy. I really feel like thathas to be explored, come on universe throw a girl a bone...

3. Find a great apartment and all the furnishings I've been wanting. Naturally this would come post ass kicking job.

4. I want to be able to afford all the vacations that I want to go on and be able to have the time to go on all the vacations.

I just basically want to feel as if my life is falling into place. I want to feel good about myself and my life. I want to feel lifted up and spiritually whole. I want all the tiresome feelings I've been having to be lifted and replaced with all good, positive and beautiful feelings and thoughts. I want all of my negative thoughts and patterns to disappear from my mind and actions and allow me to really attract all the wonderful things I want into my life.

What do you want from the universe today?

Seriously?

Seriously....I'm going to LA. I'm peeing in my pants. This is too much. I have literally been sweating since I got the email from LA boy pretty much saying let's make this happen. Completely freaking, totalling spazzing out. This is NUTS!

I just cannot believe it. I cannot wait to talk to him to hammer out all the details. Too excited!!

Recognizing my own Spasticity

It is pretty much official, I am a complete spaz. As much as I like to beleive that as we age we leave behind old personas and grow into a new person. I like to see myself as a strong, confident, unshakeable woman who is quite secure however LA Boy has been making me feel like a spastic loser.

With most guys I date or like I second guess myself but on the surface to them I am cool, confident and collected. They see me as this confident, secure woman meanwhile I just quietly panic on the inside (or on this blog). In emails to LA Boy I am a spaz. Not just any kind of spaz, a total loser spaz. For some reason I am convinced, CONVINCED that he has zero interest in me and every time I write an email to him I feel like I'm wasting his time and annoying him. Its like liking the really cool guy in middle school and you just spaz out around him. I feel like I send him the email equivalent of giggling uncontrollable and turning bright red.

Maybe I'm being hard on myself, I don't know. All I know is every timeI hit send I just think I'm such a dork. I've really never had a guy bring this out in me. I don't know where its coming from. He isn't like this super slick George Clooney type, he's just as goofy ass as I am. We were both total dorks in high school, neither of us went to the prom so I don't know where this huge hit of insecurity is coming from. I hate that I feel like this. But interestingly enough, even though I feel retarded and like I'm wasting his time I still feel like everything is going to be fine so I have no idea what my problem is.

Adjustments

There are definite adjustments being made since my move. I still don't know if I really feel like its real yet. I've started to get into my own routine and have began to get out and explore and start to find my way. A part of me feels as if I've never left and feels completely comfortable. Another piece of me feels self conscious and as if its completely obvious that I've spent WAY too much time in New York.

I don't think that New Yorkers (and those from the surrounding areas) really realize how different we are until they are taken out of that environment and its basciallly thrust upon you to see how different you act, think and talk. Its a lot of stupid things but things that make me feel drastical aware of the fact that I don't fit in seamlessly. Example you say? Okay, where I lived in NY no one thought anything of you leaving the house looking cute. I happen to always leave the house dressed to impress - unless I'm going to the gym. so going to the grocery store in a fitted t-shirt, good jeans and stilettos is nothing. However, I was very aware of being STARED at the entire time I was shopping. It was really uncomfortable. Then again today I had to stop myself from asking a guy if he wanted to get into a big dick contest because if he did, I'd win. I feel that he sensed I was not one to push around when I stood up and began matching his tone.

Now, I dont' feel I need to change. Maybe yelling at guys and threatening to put my non-existent dick on the table is not the best way to settle arguments, but I know that. I feel that these people are not used to all this glamour topped with all this attitude which makes me sad. I look at these ladies and think, really terry cloth shorts and a nasty tshirt? You left the house like that and you're looking at me like I'm the asshole, really?

I guess this town really does need me after all. Someone has to get everyone else to step it up a bit. I can't help it if I know how to dress and I look cute. Get over bitches!