What the Mother-F???

Um, did any of you see Hey Paula on Bravo? If not, let me try to help you understand what it was like....every been on the highway and watched a really, really horrible car accident (like a tractor trailer smashing into a bus full of orphans, bunnies and nuns.)It's like that but more horrifying, imagine the bunnies are being raped during he accident---yup thats the level.

I normally don't talk about things like this on this blog but...wow.

The show premiered with two episodes and the first was not that bad. You got a small taste...an amuse bouche, if you will...of Paula's brand of crazy. Before a flight to Philadelphia she chews the asses out of her assistants for packing the wrong items of clothing for her. Like, looses her shit. Big time over sweatpants. Which you sort of go, okay I get that who doesn't want to be comfy on a flight but still.....

Okay so the big time crazy happens in the next episode. We see her pretty much act like she's taken too many Oxycontin (and to quote Kathy Griffin "Alledgedly").

So pretty much if you have not watched I'd recommend it just for the shared experience of pin pointing the exact moment when we all accept that she's bat shit.

And another thing...she has to have final say over the cuts of these episodes. She HAS to. No one in their right mind would say this was okay, unless oh God, what if that was the best of all the footage that they shot? Damn.

Oh! And the second episode is totally about the major freakout Paula had on those satellite interviews a few months back. Okay and you can actually tell that they have shot footage to make it look like her publicist is watching the feed and going "oh what happened to the audio...SOMEONE FIX THAT"... when you just KNOW that when that was all going on he was too busy drinking Jack Daniels and praying to God that he still had a job.

Part of me is really sad that this is who Paula Abdul is. She was my favorite pop singer when I was kid, I so loved her music and bought all of her albums. I remember feeling really bad that her marriage to Emilio Estevez didn't work out. Now I feel embarassed for her. Watching this show, its just like does she not get it? She's trying to have all these moments with the camera (anyone watch The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow? It feels like that except that was intentionally funny and embarassing) and it just makes her look desperate and sad.

Mental Blocks

I feel stuck on what to write lately. This has really sprung from tapping into my creative reserves to start to work on my business. Yeah, the business. We have not all spoken about that. Well my Aunt and I have talked for years about starting a business. We believe that we ideas that are really different from what's out on the market currently and we think we are going to do pretty damn well.

What is the business you may be asking yourself....well that I'm not entirely comfortable talking about until its all up and running. But let's say that it is taking a lot of my creative energy. To the point that I have found myself completely on empty all week long. Every attempt at inspiration has been in vain. It feels as if nothing will lift this block in my brain. It may be because I'm now faced with some of the more difficult aspects of the business but that does not really explain my inability to do anything creative.

To top it off its making me feel insanely frustrated. Well this creative block and the fact that everything I've planned in the last few weeks has shot straight to hell, but I think that has more to do with the annoying occurence of Mercury going retrograde. (On a completely related note to things going crappy, I have to say that if you are in Atlantic City, NJ on a weekend do not even bother going to the hip, kitschy, cool restaurant The Continental at the Pier Shoppes in Caesars. Let's just say that they are fat, argumentative liars and only serve brunch until dinnertime....yeah I'd say that almost ruined my belated birthday lunch....on the flipside Thank you Buddakan for a beautiful meal and delicious desserts. I highly recommend Buddakan over The Continental).

So maybe I'm just being hard on myself. When I first started working on this business I was churning out a lot. A LOT. My brain was just dumping out all of these ideas and beautiful words and now its slowed down and practically stopped. Maybe its just a flow, like how sometimes the tide is in and other times its out. I guess my tide is just out right now and eventually it will come pouring back in.

Another Year Wiser

Today is my birthday, pretty exciting stuff, right? I always feel like birthdays are like holidays like New Years Eve like you are supposed to be really excited at celebrating something that seems just well, goofy. Everyone has asked me what I planned for today and the truth was nothing. My Sunday was like all my Sunday a total bumming around day.

I feel like I celebrate my life every single day that I live. Every day I feel thankful and joyful for the life that I live and the journey that I have been on. All birthdays and New Year Eves provide for me is a pausing point, a time to take a moment and reflect on how my life is different then it was a year ago. I do not even feel like the same person I was last year. When I think back on my birthday last year it was a great time and I really enjoyed myself and was happy in that moment. However, I do not feel like the same girl who celebrated her 27th birthday. I often find that with every pasing birthday I just feel like I've grown so far away from the girl I was the year before.

I love this journey that I am. Life is so fascinating to me and so amazing. I feel like the world is full of corners to creep around and be surprised at what lies beyond. It seems that as month's go by I cannot even believe the position that I am and where I was just a few months ago. Right now I feel like my life is radically different then it was before my move and that my spirit is lighter and my hopes and dreams are huge and not surpressed. I can honestly say I cannot wait for next year to see who I am at my 29th birthday.

Trying Hard

So, I had a long talk to myself about my current situation. I have always been in a pattern of wanting to have faith and confidence in people usually despite evidence to the contrary. I realized that LA boy may have a geniune interest in me but that he places work as items 1-10 and I cannot be that far down the list. Once you start counting friends and family I'm easily number 20 on his list of things to do (not like that you scamps).

My wonderful girlfriend who is mirroring my life said to me today, "why do they do this to begin with?". I told her I didn't know. I said LA Boy coud have walked away in Vegas got on his plane and that would have been the end. Instead he practically begged me to stay in touch and starting talking about plans to visit, I did nothing but stand by and receive. It just does not make any sense. Granted a person cannot know ahead of time that they are going to act like a gigantic idiot, can they? We don't always know when we are going to drop the ball or walk away from something potentially good. I cannot fault him. He is a good guy, he just loves works WAY too much. I don't want to judge him but I also don't think I could be with someone who loves their job that much that they have no passion for anything else in life. I love life a lot. I'm passionate about everything that crosses my path, I need someone who has that same fire in their belly for life.

As I told my girlfriend these guys may not be right for us or maybe down the road they will be. Whatever the purpose I can see that we are both learning lessons. We are starting to listen to our guts. We both figured all this out fairly quickly in comparision to other times in our lives, I think that the more women in general start to trust their heart and their gut the easier it is to sort of float through situations and come out unscathed. I personally do not believe that the message here is to stop having faith in people, I think that is a beautiful trait to possess. One of these days I'm going to heap my faith on the right person, now is just not that time.

Veruca Salt Syndrome Lite

Okay, so I personally believe that I have had huge growth in terms of patience. Right now, I'm Patient McPatient when it comes to LA Boy. All of my girlfriends are astounded. If LA Boy lived here I probably would've pushed the relationship to the point of extinction by this point, instead I'm waiting patiently for the dice to roll. Very patiently. To the point that I'm seriously freaking myself out with how zen I'm acting. Last night I said to a girlfriend that I know that LA Boy thinks me impatient but he has no idea what me being impatient really is all about.

Okay so in the midst of all this bright, shiny patience is tha little knot in the pit of myself that is SCREAMING. I mean like a damn banshee, just wailing at how S-L-O-W this is all going. I hate it a lot. I have to quiet that voice screaming "I want what I want when I want it and I want it now!". Because the truth of the matter is that I want LA Boy and I want him bad. I have serious, serious crush on this man and there is nothing I want more then to know him and have him know me. If he called tonight and said get your ass here tomorrow guess where I'd be tomorrow? If you guessed there you are right, here's a cookie.

Its just this neuroses for no damn reason is so exhausting. I was talking to one of my girlfriends last night and we both agreed that for one day, just one day men and women get to switch brains. We get a vacation and they get that knot in the stomach, where is this going?, why isn't her calling?, etc for a whole day. We both felt that men immediately would start behaving how we expected them to without prompting since they would see what we feel. It's crazy being a woman, absolutely nuts.

There it is, right there. I have such anxiety about this guy yet I'm still so zen at the same time. I trust in him to do right even when it does not seem that he is doing so. I don't what that is all about. All I keep thinking about is being with him, seeing him and being able to spend time with him. I cannot wait to get off that plane and see that sly smile and those green eyes. It makes me nuts. Damn men.