It's About Damn Time, Part Deux

Last night I went out and spent some time with Boyfriend playing Cornhole with him and his co-workers. What? Get your minds out of the gutters people this is good clean wholesome family for young and old alike. Okay, its just a giant wood platform with a hole in the middle and you get drunk and throw bean bags at the board and try to land it in the hole. It is highly addictive and if you want to bring out peoples violent competitive streaks then yes bring this game along.

The night was quite fun and everyone got quite drunk. I got so drunk in fact I had to crash at Boyfriends - don't worry kids I slept in seperate room and a seperate bed from him well at least until we both woke up at an ungodly hour and were both wide awake. We spent the next three hours just talking and I would not have had it any other way. When I think about what I miss with Boyfriend its the time spent together and its talking to him everyday about nothing. I absolutely love conversation with this man we always have something to say to one another and we always have the weirdest and most interesting conversations. It really hit me last night that he actually is my friend. That to me is so huge. I can't even explain how big that it is to me. We actually are friends and friends before anything else. I think if the whole concept of a romantic relationship washed away from us we would be left with the most insanely solid foundation of a friendship. My care and love for Boyfriend stems from friendship more then it does from the romantic. Not to say that there is not that certain connection there between us because there most certainly is, its just that I feel our relationship has to be built on friendship and I think that is what all of this time apart has served to show me. That without really and truly knowing one another a relationship is nothing and its easy for it to fall apart. When its built on a strong foundation it can last a thousand storms, you know? Maybe I'm waxing a bit too poetic for a girl still in limbo and calling him Boyfriend instead of Boyfriend but its just what I'm feeling is right.

I just cannot get over how absolutely right it feels when I spend time with him.

It's About Damn Time

Yesterday produced an interesting turn of events. The morning brought with it an email with the subject "Thursday Night" and the text enclosed was "What are you into Thursday night?". This email was from Boyfriend. We have not seen each other in about a month and a half and I had sort of convinced myself that we were never going to see each other again. To say I was surprised is a gross understatement. So I wrote him back to ask why he was asking. Well when Boyfriend came back from his recent trip to his hometown he brought back with him the redneck game of Cornhole (you throw a beanbag into a hole on a big ass piece of plywood). He excitedly made his Cornhole boards and has been telling everyone he knows about this game. So he decided to get a little game together with some co-workers and decided to include me in the festivities. Well I got concerned.

What if everything felt, weird? Awkward? Uncomfortable? All of these things went through my mind reading this email. I intitally wrote back and said sure I'll come for the event both Wednesday & Thursday night. Then the more I thought about it the more I said to myself I don't know if that feels right. We haven't seen each other in a long time and who knows how I'll feel and who knows how he'll feel. So we went back and forth on email and finally I just said I'm calling you so we can talk. Boyfriend didn't get that I would want to spend time with him alone before spending time with him in a group setting. He was worried that us spending three nights together would be dangerous and I reminded him that I'm not some lovesick 14 year old who doesn't get that we're still in limbo. I understand the situation and I know what is going on between us I just want to make sure that it isn't weird.

So he came up last night and it felt like no time had passed. I forgot how comfortable I am with him and how easy it is to be around him. We both just fell into step with one another. It just felt like any other night that we've spent time together.

I knew I missed him but I don't think I realize how much. This morning I found myself overanalyzing and saying to myself does this mean we are going to start dating again? And I had to stop myself and I've really decided that I'm not going to steer anything that if we do start dating again great if we don't then thats fine too. I'm just pleased that he has finally wanted to see me after all this time. It was just a good feeling being with him again last night.

Flying Through The Air

So quite the unusual circumstances fell into my lap. I live near Manhattan and along the Hudson River is The Trapeze School. A friend of mine and her mother signed up for a class and I thought "what the hell". Now, before you go "big deal" let me just share that I'm deathly afraid of heights. Up until a few years ago I couldn't walk next to the balcony on the second floor of the mall without getting sweaty palms ans serious anxiety - that kind of fear of heights.

I always felt like this fear was extremely debilitating to my life. There were so many things that I would like to do but if it involved heights in any way shape or form I say hell no. So I figure what better way to get over this fear then to climb up twenty feet and swing from a tiny ass bar. Okay, maybe there are better ways but if you're going to climb the mountain, climb the mountain is what I say.

So I was a member of our 8pm class and got there early to watch the prior class. What I noticed was that each person climbed the ladder confidently then when they got on the platform they hesitated their first time after that everyone seemed to be all in. So I figured it can't be that bad if everyone is so gung ho after their first go. So, I patiently waited for my class to begin and watched each and every person go up and try their best to swing, throw their knees over the bar, let go and swing in the air. I thought, it can't be that hard.

At the start of class they explain to us the stance to take on the platform (hips forward, shoulders forward, butt tucked under) then they take us to a practice bar to teach us how to tuck our legs over the bar and how to hang and arch our backs. That part was hard by the way - we are all reassured that the momentum when we were flying would make it much easier. At this point I was getting quite nervous and basically decided I would go second so I could get my first run over. Climbing the ladder I just kept telling myself not to look down and to grip each rung as tightly as possible. When I got to the top I got hooked into a harnass and was told to turn put my toes at the edge of the platform and I got my first look over. How I was the only one to exclain "HOLY CRAP" I don't know. Regardless, you are then to hang out into nothingness with this person on the platform holding onto your harnass while you attempt to get your hands on the trapeze bar. This was terrifying because it feels like you are just going to fall to your death. Reaching out to grab the bar my legs were shaking so badly I thought they would just collapse. I finally got a hold of the bar and let go and put both hands on the bar (also scary). The platform guy then directs you to jump by saying "hep" - folks that poor kid said "hep" about 10 times. Finally I jumped. And wow. You're free. You're safe. And its amazing. I did my little trick and landed softly in the net. I felt like I sat there for 5 minutes I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't believe I had just done that.

Well I went a few more times and by my third time up I had my heart beating strong in my chest and sweaty palms but it was all very light on fear. So I've decided to go a few more times to get over my fear of heights.

This particular session that I attended was sponsored by an Interfaith group and I felt so much comarderie with all of these people and the Reverand running it shared with me that he had been terrified of heights and after doing the trapeze school a few times he got over it. He also gave to each one of us at the end of the class a little saying that read:

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know
and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown
FAITH
is knowing that one of two things will happen
There will be a net to catch you or you will be taught to fly

This class renewed and energized my faith. They also have Trapeze Schools in Baltimore & Boston - if anyone lives near one of these schools I strongly recommend you drop in for a lesson. Its 2 hours that are truly life altering.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

So ever since Boyfriend and I have been doing this whole space thing we have pretty much only spoken once a week for a month. This is very different for us since we used to talk several times a day. Well this week Boyfriend called me on Monday & Tuesday night. I was FLOORED. I don't know what it means or if it means anything at all. Actually, knowing him all it probably means is that he felt like calling me again. Which I guess is a good step in the right direction. Maybe he thinks I actually do add some value to his life, something I haven't been so sure that he thinks.

After talking to him last night it sounds as if he is trying to get some stability into his life. I'm really proud of him it sounds like he is trying to make some solid steps towards his future. I try not to read into everything with him but my Charming, Sophisticated friend thinks he is just trying to get his life in order before I come back in fully. Right now he's working on finding a real apartment and the shock of all shocks is that Boyfriend told me last night that he is planning on staying in this area for two years. Some background on this is that Boyfriend is not from my tri-state area and he hates said tri-state area with the fire and passion of a thousand suns. I had been telling him that his company was doing a lot of very nice things for him so it wouldn't kill him to stay just for loyalty's sake well it turns out he has figured it out on his own. Same thing with the apartment he had been convinced that he should spend more then a certain amount on an apartment and I told him it wouldn't happen in this area since its too expensive. Guess what he figured it out on his own. Before that he was planning on living on a boat. I said it was a great idea in theory but what was he going to do during the winter? Guess what.....that's right kids he's not buying the boat.

So feasibly the next thing he'll figure out on his own is what I've already told him.... So we'll see how quickly that hits him.

The Man Comes Around

So since Boyfriend decided that we needed space, which ultimately I have to say I agree with, things have slowly been coming back together with us. We talked last week and it was a frank and honest discussion about our expectations and how we each viewed the relationship. Turns out we were completely misreading one another, well he was misreading me I was on the money with him (but we won't let him know that).

After I said "I wish we could have a do over" he said we could. So, we're going to start again. He confessed that while he was on a trip a sexual opportunity presented itself and he turned it down. I pointed out that we don't have a committment right now meaning either of us can do whatever we please. Apparently saying things like this make men change their minds because our conversation this week was much different. Let's just say that this week the conversation erupted into him panicking that "my light was on" (anyone who has watched Sex and the City knows what thats about and apparently telling me about Sex and the City-ism sticks, FYI). I have never seen Boyfriend like this he was obviously panic striken, insecure and *GASP* vulnerable. Seeing him like that sort of startled me. Clearly I know that Boyfriend cares for me but being an Aquarius he certainly does not emote. After a half-hearted reassurance, actually not even a reassurance since all I said was "I didn't say that" which was purposeful because he is not allowed to rest on his laurels at this point.

Conversation still feels a little off kilter to me with him. I think we're getting back there again though. His friendship is very important to me and I would really like to see everything fall back into step. Who knows when things will turn around at this point. I'm hopeful that it won't take too long.